My JoURnEY.......

thanks girl for ur advice and for making
me feel slightly sane..and i just wan to
say thanks for understanding and that
these days i dun feel half as bad...i kind
of just accept it. these days i jsut feel
like im on auto-pilot...but i guess atm
thats a good thing. i just dun wan to
pretend anymore u noe..i dun wan to
pretend im okay wen im not...i dun wan
to pretend im not hurting wen i am and
i dun wan to pretend my life is fine..wen
its not..basically i m just tired of pretending
so im not. i've come to realised why do
we pretend at all?? is it more for our sake
or for the sake of those around us?? and i
realised often its more for the sake of others
than ourselves. and why do we do that??wat
purpose does it serve?? really. i guess we
always assume that ppl shldnt see how
vulnerable we really are but the truth is we
are all vulnerable at some point in our lives
why are we ashamed of it?? why do we feel
the need to hide it?? i guess its human nature
but i think we need to stop pretending and be
more true to ourselves.

lately my relaitonship wif my bro has been really
good...im so glad that God has brought both of
us closer together...it has really been a blessing...
and i feel so blessed that God has done such
miracles in our lives. and i truly truly pray that
God wil slowly bring him closer to knowing Christ
and i kno that he will one day but i wil continue to
pray for him.

i was just talking to my mum before bout my bro
and his gf...for those of u duno...his gf is in my
cell. but the thing is my bro isnt a christian...and
iwas just thinking about wat the bible said about
being 'unequally yoked' and how does that work in
this case. and my mum said well ur bro will become
a christian but his gf will have to pray for him fervently.
and i just wonder bout that...dun get me wrong i love
my bro and im really happy for him and his gf but
i just wonder..thats all. i know i mean for me i definitely
want my partner to be a christian thats not even an issue.
but i guess it must be quite hard of the person doesnt
understand or like cant really share in the experience.
i duno but i guess everyone's different but thats just
something i know that isnt for me. i guess it wld feel
too weird wen im praying or wen i feel such a wonderful
miracle that God has done in my life and my partner just
doesnt get it and looks squarely bk at me as if nothing
had happened. i think that wld kinda crush me or
at least not make me want to share wif him much. and
i just dun think i cld handle that or even want that. but i
guess wats really really important to me is that its
written in the bible...and thats God's words...and how
cld i go against that u kno. anyways...gotta go do some
work now...sigh...gg to be a long nite man...later.

woke up today...to a sense of no
purpose in life...duno why. was in
the shower...n suddenly it hit me..
i felt no passion no desire to do or
want anything. i often ask myself
wats wrong wif me...and the thing is
this time i havent got the foggiest
idea. after Ps Benny's seminar last
nite where the topic was about the
discipline of service i realised what
am i doing thats great or good??and
i guess the answer wld prob be nothing
much. i mean i always knew and felt
that my calling was to serve God and
to do it well and according to His will.
but i guess even then im not doing it
right. i duno...i guess i dun have a clue
as to wat im saying...i feel at the moment
im a walking contradiction so yeah...

a friend of mine once said to me that sometimes
wen ur trying so hard to be strong that u actually
end up doing the opposite and i just wonder
if tats true?? bcuz i think i have...instead of
being stronger i have just simply become
colder. a sad reality but a reality nonetheless.
cynicism has somehow slowly creep into my
life and i didnt even know how or wen. it just
has. i didnt even realise it until last nite..at
di's place...suddenly thinking bout something or
wat someone had said to me..n realising i was
actually doubting the sincerity of wat that person
had said to me. that infact their words had meant
nothing to me. anyway...as they say...sometimes
u become the person u least wanted to be. n i
guess somewhere along the lines i have become
what i least expected and wanted to be. i guess the
truth is this...i havent felt like this in a while but...i feel
alone. right now im sure there will be an echo of 'but
u will always have God,...ur neva alone....' n i
guess wat i wld say is yeah i know...i know that God
is and will always be wif me...but the loneliness comes
from the inside, the knowing that on this place there
isnt really anyone i dare to trust. dare to put myself
out there completely. i use the word 'dare' bcuz thats
wat it is...a challenge for me...a personal challenge.
and i just feel that, there is no one besides God. n
some may say well that shld be enuf. and at times it
is, to be just revelling in His presence, in His awe..but
at times i need that tangible presence...that presence
that enables me to talk-back or have an immediate
response. i guess oome may view this as self-pity
but it isnt...it's a sense of loss that i feel so deep
within that words cant really describe. it's a loss
of innocence that was taken from me a long long
long time ago. one that will probably neva be
replaced.

well its a wednesday arvo...on the net
meant to be doing sum work for uni...
but kinda got distracted...hehe reading
my fren's blogs...very interesting i must
say....hehehe...i mean yeah....like havent
been on the net for a while so had like no
idea wats been gg on in other ppl's lives..
but slowly getting bk into things...anyway
i guess lately i've just been feeling kinda
how wld u say it...crap!!! umm...things
at my place arent looking that crash hot
atm...i mean yeah its great i've moved into
my new place which im really really glad
about and really happy cuz finally have my
own room but the family situation isnt that
good. on our first nite at our new place
my bro and my stepdad got into this really
big fight...n lets just say i felt a bit of dejavue.
like really i mean im just so sad that things
have gone bk to that again!!! the whole
time i was just thinking to God...'its not meant
to turn out like this!!!' and it wasnt...i thot we
had settled all that stuff but no..once tempers
are flared and anger is on the lips...things come
out in the heat of the moment. im just sadden by
the fact that now the family is divided once again
and this time i doubt there's much that can be
done. a lot of my frens always ask me why are
my parents building another place for themselves??
well the answer is vely simple...they both just cant
live under the same roof. i feel so so so incredibly
lost u know...i always thot that having him as my
stepdad that it wil be diff that my impression of men
in my life is that its possible...possible for them to
stay. but i feel like its just not happening. funi that..
how life turns out huh...now i know...that the only
father that i have is my Father in heaven...He is and
will always be the only one who will neva let me down,
abandon me or forsake me. I guess i 've only come to
truly understand that...and as sad as my situation is
at home i refuse ...i simply refuse to let it beat me. i
know that my Father has a better plan, has a better
purpose for me. i will always remember when Auntie
Ellen prayed for me at church one day and even wen
i didnt tell her wat was really in my heart ...she knew..
she knew bcuz God led her and told her wat i cld not
say..and thats the power of God. He knows even wen
u dun tell Him urself, He knows even wen u feel u cant
express it in words. and i guess il neva forget wat she sed,
she sed,'dun be afraid, have no fear in ur heart that ur
Father in Heaven has chosen someone especially
for u, someone who will be faithful to u and that u can
trust.' i guess the thing that stood out in my mind wen
she sed that was the word faithful. i guess its hard for
me to believe that men can be faithful. terrible thing to
say u mite think but having wat i've gone thru trust me,
there are a lot worse things i can think of!! being faithful
isnt just in the physical sense but also emotionally and
mentally. and i guess thats something i've realised.

anyway on a lighter note,..hehehe...i guess being away
from ppl for a while wen i havent been to church, etc has
made me realise something...i guess u really begin to see
who ur frens are, even wen i was so bz and really hadnt
bother to like keep in touch wif anyone..trust me it was
bcuz i was too tired by the end of the day from shifting boxes
and furniture around that i no longer had the strength to pick up
the fone. that my frens still sms me, called me to check
and see how i was. the thot was just so sweet i mean to know
that im missed and that my frens did notice i was MIA. hehehe
anyway i just wan to say thank u to u guys for noticing and
for asking me how i am..just wanted u guys to know that it
was much appreciated. :)

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everyone...IM
BACK!!!! hehehe yeah werent kidding
about the being busy part huh...man
but at least u know wat...im out of that
tiny little hole and into my new place...
yay!!!!!all i can say is this...I LUV my
room!!!! yep sorry but i do...i dun think i've
ever loved my room this much but i do..
hehehe....anyway yes and kelvin my
cell leader and cryst came to help too
n apparently now ppl know bout my
plasma t.v. hahaha n yes cell will be at
my place at least once...dun wory :)
but yeah at the moment its still kinda
hectic cuz of all the unpacking...all i can
say is this...well...my mum has collected
way too many cutlery, pots and etc...
just way too too many!!! anyway....

i know tonite i missed out on 'church together'
...darn it i know...i really wanted to go but...jz
cldnt find anyone to car pool wif...*sigh*..i know
Mr Pang was rather disappointed i didnt go cuz
bump into him as i left his place...darn if only i left
5 mins before ...hehehe...but yeah he was like 'u
missed out on a great concert may..' i was like
'k man can u make me feel any worse....'..sigh
but yeah i really did wan to go...oh wel..i guess
there will be other times...so sad right...

nothing much else has been happening really
besides me moving house...n being really really
tired and in a lot of pain..esp my back..i tell u..
lets just say i wont b needing to go to body
combat for a while...hahaha...but seriously...
i wont. however, the only thing i feel really bad
about is not gg to church for past two sundays..
sigh...really cldnt been too ttired or too bz wif
this house stuff...and the worse part was today
wen i didnt go to church ...remember mr marc
wif a 'c'...well he came...BUGGER !!! and the thing
was i was the one who told him to come today as
well so sad!!!...it was so funi cuz this arvo ..he sms
me and sed why i didnt go and he wen all the way
to fcc...i was like oh no i completely forgot...anyway
hopefully we'll still be able to meet up some other
time...hehehe....okie...me getting kinda sleepy....
need to get sum shut-eye...later ppls...