My JoURnEY.......

i guess im writing in here a lot
these days is simply bcuz i have a lot on
my mind. i just want to noe this...how do
i make the pain go away and how do i make
this feeling go away?? its hurts so bad that
sometimes while just walking along i just
feel the need to cry...but i dun have the
courage to let ppl see me cry. i wish i
understand what God wants me to do...
sometimes i think if Jesus was in my
position what would He do?? and right
now what i need is the same thing...wat
should i do or perhaps more importantly
wat can i do?? the answer i already know..
nothing..but that still doesnt make the pain less
does he hate me i wonder?? it sure feels like it..
maybe he's come to realised what a horrible
person i really am inside...that this facade can
no longer last right...that seems to happen all
the time..perhaps the problem lies with me...
perhaps it always has been...i know he doesnt
read my blog cuz if he did...he wld know just how
bad i feel right now inside...(esp after the
accident with his car)...so bad that i cant
really find the words...i just wonder how 'not'
going out wif someone can be this painful...i
do want to be ok...and more than anything i want
'us' to be ok too but it seems that is no longer in
my hands...

i keep praying and asking God to please take this
pain away..this ache in my heart that seems to be
continually broken...the scar would heal..but only
for a while then the cycle begins...i know i want
something better than this...i want to believe i
deserve better but maybe that's all i get to have..
heartache...sometimes i would catch myself thinking
back to the days where things between us were good
and we were always laughing and joking but also being
serious when needed. i miss those days...those are the
'mapstone' days..i guess as some of us call it...but
i had hoped that it wouldnt be left to just then but also
now. i duno...maybe im expecting too much...and i guess
i am...all i know is this. if he wanted me to dislike him..a lot
...hes doing a good job at it...but it hurts for me to feel this
way..bcuz i dun want to..i do want to be his 'fren' but even that
term seems to be loosely used these days.

ppl shld seriously
ban the term 'its not u its me'...like seriously...what does that
really mean?? even if that was the case, i just hope the guys
remember this...no matter wat actions u take there are always
consequences...even if the action u take u believe is for
the benefit of the other person...and these consequences
are not always positive.

i have a flaw...i know this and that is i cant seem to say no
and thats a bad consequence cuz no matter what ppl ask of
me its hard for me to say no. but im learning ..im learning to
say no, not just to questions but to ppl.

*sigh*....insomnia is truly getting the better of me...which isnt
good for me seeing i do have to wake up early for church tm..
well actually...its now today...so...i know the pain is suppose
to pass in time but i wish then time would pass quicker...let me
just clarify...im more upset at the fact that we've actually lost
the frenship than anything else cuz i believe that a 'good' and
lasting frenship is the foundation of any relationship wif anyone
not a bf/gf relationship but any kind of 'relationship' and its sad..
its just sad.

right now im at a fcc pot luck of all the
murdoch cells combined...its really nice to
see how all the cells have expanded...but
i guess im not particularly chatty...cant
help it really...i wish things cld be so much
more simpler...but it never is hey...umm..i
guess i feel such pressure right now from
everyone and everywhere...it really doesnt feel
like there is one person who doesnt expect
something from me..im not sure how much
longer i can go on like this.....

i continue to pray and ask God to pls give
me the strength that i need...bcuz truthfully
inside of me right now i just cant....im not as
strong as i thot i was i guess...and truthfully
the saddest thing is this...when my parents
asked me wats wrong wif me...its very simple
but i couldnt bear to tell them...the problem was
me..i didnt dare to tell them how much i hated
myself...wen i look in the mirror ...i hated to
see the reflection looking back at me...i detested
it. im really not good for anything or anyone...but
i cant bear to tell my parents that. sadly....i have
nothing to give or to offer to them..have given them
nothing to be proud of or worthy of their praises. and
they've told me so...and the sad thing is they are
absolutely right. im not trying to get sympathy or
feeling pity for myself but i truly agree wif them...i have
nothing that is worthy or good to give them....i wish idid
but i dont. my life is in such a mess right now...*sigh*
i wish.. i really do wish things were different....i did such a
bad job today at curtin o'day...n i realy dun want this thing
to affect my job in serving God..i want to serve Him happily
not sad and i want to do my best. i also do want my
parents to be proud of me...wish i could...i guess i'll neva
be the daughter they deserve.

still at the party.....umm....know its really bad of me to not
actually be socialising but cant actually bring myself to do it.
i wish i cld...i just feel ...right now there isnt even a word for it.
feel an overwhelming need to run away...i know i know...it doesnt
solve anything but it wld be nice for a while. i wish and pray that
someone cld help me ...tell me wat to do...cuz right now i havent
got the foggiest clue...oh and the other brilliant thing that happen
to me today is i actually ran into a fren's car....i feel so incredibly
bad about it...like u have no idea....all i can say is im so so sorry...
i hope that if this fren ever reads my blog....please know how
sincerely sorry i am...u cant even possibly imagine how bad i
actually feel about it....all i can say is pls know that it was not
intentional....yep so that just added to my day which was already
quite bad to begin wif.

for those reading this entry...this one is gg to totally sound weird
bcuz im updating this two days from thurs...anyway to cap off
wat happen is this...i actualy did run away...well from the party
anyhow..it got a bit too much for me to deal wif..but to summarise
tat nite was not one of my better nites.

anyway i just want to let a fren of mine know this, sometimes wat
they think is the best thing for us is not always the best for us rather
wat they feel they shld do in order to protect us...granted they dun do
it well but its THEIR way...but this is one thing i've learned if anything
at all ...i have very little control...there's only so much i can do and say
the rest is out of my hands. often there has been times where i wish
things were back to the way it was before...and i kno u once asked me
if i regretted it...i know at the time i sed yes...but i've come to realise
if i didnt go thru wat i wen thru i guess i would neva grow spiritually,
and emotionally as a person. unfortunatley it comes at the expanse
of our hearts ..but just know that u have ur frens and family and other
things in ur life...try n focus on that...althou its not easy but wat else
can we do...if u think that by hearing them say 'i hate u or i dun like u'
actually helps u to move on well it doesnt...i thot it would too believe me..
but i realised that it had nothing to do wif hearing wat they had to say but
i had to resolve it within myself to know that this is the way things are now
n to accept i have no control over it. i cant make someone do something
they dun want to do u kno. n as cliche as it may sound 'life goes on' and
yes ur 'life' does go on whether u want it to or not..u may feel ur on auto-pilot
mode but it still goes on. it hurts a lot right now i kno but just believe that
u r stronger than this and more than anything else, God is ur light..He is and
will lead u thru this believe that ok. i really wish i cld make the pain go
away for u believe me i know how bad it feels...(im sure u do) and like i sed
i m only a phone call away...and if u ever need to talk or just get things
off ur chest...im here :)

hi there...well its official...im finally 21.
not that i feel any different but i guess
the number has changed right!!! anyway
my party was on the 23rd...it was indeed
quite lovely...all my family and frens there
it was really nice...but the funniest highlight
of the night had to be the speech two of my
closest frens had for me, for those of you who
were there u kno wat i mean...lets just say it
was funni wearing my school uniform again..
hahaha and so i do wan to sincerely thank them
for putting in such a mega effort to create some-
thing as hillarious as wat they did. anyway i had
a great time wif my frens later boogieing....:) and mel
wish u were there to boogie wif me man!!!! hehehe

had great food, great company...wat more cld a girl
ask for...

anyway the highlight of my week has to be norah jones
at the grammy awards...she won like so so many
awards i mean that is truly the highlight of my week and
john mayer won an award too...hes so so cute ....too bad
hes kinda youngie...hehehe but yeah go norah!!!! and john!!!!

ok tts all for me....tonite...kinda sleepy actually mite go sleep
soon hehehe

nite all.