Friday, April 04, 2003
wanted to actually blog last nite but unfortunately my bro was on the comp....sigh...oh well...anyway...it wld have gone something like this....it's been a while u kno...but it still hurts....a lot. i guess im suppose to be ok and all but u know wat...im just not. and i guess im just asking myself why am i trying so hard to be ok?? is it for me or for those around me?? and i guess the answer is its a bit of both. i really am trying u kno but it doesnt help wen u kno certain things that ur not really meant to kno but u kno anyway...ok this part prob doesnt make sense...anyway..i guess something occur to me wen i was watching 'sex and the city' yes im sure ur all thinking...huh...from 'sex and the city'..well that nite's episode was kinda relevant...is it true then that we cant really forgive if we cant forget?? i mean i dun really know how that works but i think its quite true to some extent. i mean how can we say we really forgive if we cant forget wat that person has done?? i guess thats wat hit me the most anyway...it made me think...do i really mean it wen i say 'oh yeah i forgive u etc etc' if i cant really forget?? and something that V said during cell also hit me...mercy is an act and then an acceptance in our heart to forgive and thats wen it encompasses the term 'mercy'...but i duno...i mean how can we really accept and forgive that person unless we accept wat that person did and to do that wont we have to kind of forget. i duno...i mean i get that yeah we can only forgive through God's grace bcuz He first forgave us for all our sins and He forgave us time and time again...and who are we to not do the same for someone else...but i guess even then it's still hard bcuz the memory of the hurt, the pain is still raw and it doesnt matter how much u want to forgive that person or wat to be ok...its hard wen u cant forget. i guess thats why they say it takes time...but then how long?? i guess there is no set time cuz it differs for everyone but i really wish mine was a lot faster....im just taking one step at a time ...but the nites are the worst...bcuz u tend to just stay awake and your mind wanders away whether u wan it to or not...and u start to remember ....some good...some bad...but most the bad is wat really gets to u and wat sticks in ur head...u try not to let it but it wont listen to u. im trying to listen to e'one and not dwell in it...and in a sense i try so very hard not to by distracting myself wif work, church or watever is at hand...but like i sed ...its the nites that get to me...wen ur alone in bed and all u have is darkness and your mind ...and God but all ur mind seems to wan to do is ignore every fibre of ur being that is shouting, 'NO NO stop gg there AGAIN' and regardless off ur mind goes...to that place u try to avoid every day and every moment that ur awake. i dont want to ask why anymore bcuz i've come to realise that God works in such a mysterious way that i cld neva fathom but all i can do is to just let it happen. i guess im just tired ....tired of it all....
i often do wonder...does the pain ever stop...not just bout this..but even before...where the pain started so long ago...does it ever stop?? i've asked God that thousands of times...i dun always get an answer but then again...my heart already knew the answer. but sometimes it wld be just nice to have something good happen in ur life for a change u kno. i mean i get that in life there will always be trials and most of this trials God has created for u so that He can help u to grow and be a stronger person...but sometimes i just dont want to grow...i just dont want to grow any stronger ...sometimes i just dun have the energy. i wish i did and that i cld keep coming bk and saying, 'yes God i see why this is happening and i accept it and i will grow from it', but sometimes i just dun want to say it anymore. and i guess i feel like i've come to the point where i just cant be strong anymore...i just dun have the energy nor the strength and i feel like each time i try so hard to pull myself together and have the smile on my face that its like 'taking 3 steps forward, 2 steps bk' and really im just not gg anywhere. no one knows except God how hard i've been on myself...and sometimes i know i must sound crazy right now to those of my frens who r reading this...but i guess only til i admit to myself how weak and vulnerable i really am then can i grow stronger. i feel like crying so many times...but i guess i often just wonder wat good wld that do?? it doenst solve anything..and it doesnt exactly make me feel better so wats the point? but nonetheless...its still there...that overwhelming need to just crumble to the floor and weep....weep til there's nothing left inside of me..but i guess right now im just scared...scared to show the raw side of me...i kno that God already knows but i guess im scared to admit to myself. im scared to see this girl on the floor bawling her eyes out and not being able to stop.
everyday i try to see the positive side of things...but some days i just dun see any...i kno in comparison to wats gg on in the rest of the world, my probs seem minute and probably pathetic but nonetheless it doesnt stop how i really feel. I just want to say sorry to my frens who are reading this cuz im sure u guys have better things to think bout and read than my own pathetic life. but this is a place where i feel i can just say anything and its ok. but thank u all for ur comforting words and for ur advice and support it has meant a lot to me. More than u guys will ever know.
God bless,
xx
i often do wonder...does the pain ever stop...not just bout this..but even before...where the pain started so long ago...does it ever stop?? i've asked God that thousands of times...i dun always get an answer but then again...my heart already knew the answer. but sometimes it wld be just nice to have something good happen in ur life for a change u kno. i mean i get that in life there will always be trials and most of this trials God has created for u so that He can help u to grow and be a stronger person...but sometimes i just dont want to grow...i just dont want to grow any stronger ...sometimes i just dun have the energy. i wish i did and that i cld keep coming bk and saying, 'yes God i see why this is happening and i accept it and i will grow from it', but sometimes i just dun want to say it anymore. and i guess i feel like i've come to the point where i just cant be strong anymore...i just dun have the energy nor the strength and i feel like each time i try so hard to pull myself together and have the smile on my face that its like 'taking 3 steps forward, 2 steps bk' and really im just not gg anywhere. no one knows except God how hard i've been on myself...and sometimes i know i must sound crazy right now to those of my frens who r reading this...but i guess only til i admit to myself how weak and vulnerable i really am then can i grow stronger. i feel like crying so many times...but i guess i often just wonder wat good wld that do?? it doenst solve anything..and it doesnt exactly make me feel better so wats the point? but nonetheless...its still there...that overwhelming need to just crumble to the floor and weep....weep til there's nothing left inside of me..but i guess right now im just scared...scared to show the raw side of me...i kno that God already knows but i guess im scared to admit to myself. im scared to see this girl on the floor bawling her eyes out and not being able to stop.
everyday i try to see the positive side of things...but some days i just dun see any...i kno in comparison to wats gg on in the rest of the world, my probs seem minute and probably pathetic but nonetheless it doesnt stop how i really feel. I just want to say sorry to my frens who are reading this cuz im sure u guys have better things to think bout and read than my own pathetic life. but this is a place where i feel i can just say anything and its ok. but thank u all for ur comforting words and for ur advice and support it has meant a lot to me. More than u guys will ever know.
God bless,
xx
"