Wednesday, March 26, 2003
woke up today...to a sense of no
purpose in life...duno why. was in
the shower...n suddenly it hit me..
i felt no passion no desire to do or
want anything. i often ask myself
wats wrong wif me...and the thing is
this time i havent got the foggiest
idea. after Ps Benny's seminar last
nite where the topic was about the
discipline of service i realised what
am i doing thats great or good??and
i guess the answer wld prob be nothing
much. i mean i always knew and felt
that my calling was to serve God and
to do it well and according to His will.
but i guess even then im not doing it
right. i duno...i guess i dun have a clue
as to wat im saying...i feel at the moment
im a walking contradiction so yeah...
a friend of mine once said to me that sometimes
wen ur trying so hard to be strong that u actually
end up doing the opposite and i just wonder
if tats true?? bcuz i think i have...instead of
being stronger i have just simply become
colder. a sad reality but a reality nonetheless.
cynicism has somehow slowly creep into my
life and i didnt even know how or wen. it just
has. i didnt even realise it until last nite..at
di's place...suddenly thinking bout something or
wat someone had said to me..n realising i was
actually doubting the sincerity of wat that person
had said to me. that infact their words had meant
nothing to me. anyway...as they say...sometimes
u become the person u least wanted to be. n i
guess somewhere along the lines i have become
what i least expected and wanted to be. i guess the
truth is this...i havent felt like this in a while but...i feel
alone. right now im sure there will be an echo of 'but
u will always have God,...ur neva alone....' n i
guess wat i wld say is yeah i know...i know that God
is and will always be wif me...but the loneliness comes
from the inside, the knowing that on this place there
isnt really anyone i dare to trust. dare to put myself
out there completely. i use the word 'dare' bcuz thats
wat it is...a challenge for me...a personal challenge.
and i just feel that, there is no one besides God. n
some may say well that shld be enuf. and at times it
is, to be just revelling in His presence, in His awe..but
at times i need that tangible presence...that presence
that enables me to talk-back or have an immediate
response. i guess oome may view this as self-pity
but it isnt...it's a sense of loss that i feel so deep
within that words cant really describe. it's a loss
of innocence that was taken from me a long long
long time ago. one that will probably neva be
replaced.
purpose in life...duno why. was in
the shower...n suddenly it hit me..
i felt no passion no desire to do or
want anything. i often ask myself
wats wrong wif me...and the thing is
this time i havent got the foggiest
idea. after Ps Benny's seminar last
nite where the topic was about the
discipline of service i realised what
am i doing thats great or good??and
i guess the answer wld prob be nothing
much. i mean i always knew and felt
that my calling was to serve God and
to do it well and according to His will.
but i guess even then im not doing it
right. i duno...i guess i dun have a clue
as to wat im saying...i feel at the moment
im a walking contradiction so yeah...
a friend of mine once said to me that sometimes
wen ur trying so hard to be strong that u actually
end up doing the opposite and i just wonder
if tats true?? bcuz i think i have...instead of
being stronger i have just simply become
colder. a sad reality but a reality nonetheless.
cynicism has somehow slowly creep into my
life and i didnt even know how or wen. it just
has. i didnt even realise it until last nite..at
di's place...suddenly thinking bout something or
wat someone had said to me..n realising i was
actually doubting the sincerity of wat that person
had said to me. that infact their words had meant
nothing to me. anyway...as they say...sometimes
u become the person u least wanted to be. n i
guess somewhere along the lines i have become
what i least expected and wanted to be. i guess the
truth is this...i havent felt like this in a while but...i feel
alone. right now im sure there will be an echo of 'but
u will always have God,...ur neva alone....' n i
guess wat i wld say is yeah i know...i know that God
is and will always be wif me...but the loneliness comes
from the inside, the knowing that on this place there
isnt really anyone i dare to trust. dare to put myself
out there completely. i use the word 'dare' bcuz thats
wat it is...a challenge for me...a personal challenge.
and i just feel that, there is no one besides God. n
some may say well that shld be enuf. and at times it
is, to be just revelling in His presence, in His awe..but
at times i need that tangible presence...that presence
that enables me to talk-back or have an immediate
response. i guess oome may view this as self-pity
but it isnt...it's a sense of loss that i feel so deep
within that words cant really describe. it's a loss
of innocence that was taken from me a long long
long time ago. one that will probably neva be
replaced.
"