My JoURnEY.......

i guess im writing in here a lot
these days is simply bcuz i have a lot on
my mind. i just want to noe this...how do
i make the pain go away and how do i make
this feeling go away?? its hurts so bad that
sometimes while just walking along i just
feel the need to cry...but i dun have the
courage to let ppl see me cry. i wish i
understand what God wants me to do...
sometimes i think if Jesus was in my
position what would He do?? and right
now what i need is the same thing...wat
should i do or perhaps more importantly
wat can i do?? the answer i already know..
nothing..but that still doesnt make the pain less
does he hate me i wonder?? it sure feels like it..
maybe he's come to realised what a horrible
person i really am inside...that this facade can
no longer last right...that seems to happen all
the time..perhaps the problem lies with me...
perhaps it always has been...i know he doesnt
read my blog cuz if he did...he wld know just how
bad i feel right now inside...(esp after the
accident with his car)...so bad that i cant
really find the words...i just wonder how 'not'
going out wif someone can be this painful...i
do want to be ok...and more than anything i want
'us' to be ok too but it seems that is no longer in
my hands...

i keep praying and asking God to please take this
pain away..this ache in my heart that seems to be
continually broken...the scar would heal..but only
for a while then the cycle begins...i know i want
something better than this...i want to believe i
deserve better but maybe that's all i get to have..
heartache...sometimes i would catch myself thinking
back to the days where things between us were good
and we were always laughing and joking but also being
serious when needed. i miss those days...those are the
'mapstone' days..i guess as some of us call it...but
i had hoped that it wouldnt be left to just then but also
now. i duno...maybe im expecting too much...and i guess
i am...all i know is this. if he wanted me to dislike him..a lot
...hes doing a good job at it...but it hurts for me to feel this
way..bcuz i dun want to..i do want to be his 'fren' but even that
term seems to be loosely used these days.

ppl shld seriously
ban the term 'its not u its me'...like seriously...what does that
really mean?? even if that was the case, i just hope the guys
remember this...no matter wat actions u take there are always
consequences...even if the action u take u believe is for
the benefit of the other person...and these consequences
are not always positive.

i have a flaw...i know this and that is i cant seem to say no
and thats a bad consequence cuz no matter what ppl ask of
me its hard for me to say no. but im learning ..im learning to
say no, not just to questions but to ppl.

*sigh*....insomnia is truly getting the better of me...which isnt
good for me seeing i do have to wake up early for church tm..
well actually...its now today...so...i know the pain is suppose
to pass in time but i wish then time would pass quicker...let me
just clarify...im more upset at the fact that we've actually lost
the frenship than anything else cuz i believe that a 'good' and
lasting frenship is the foundation of any relationship wif anyone
not a bf/gf relationship but any kind of 'relationship' and its sad..
its just sad.