Thursday, February 27, 2003
right now im at a fcc pot luck of all the
murdoch cells combined...its really nice to
see how all the cells have expanded...but
i guess im not particularly chatty...cant
help it really...i wish things cld be so much
more simpler...but it never is hey...umm..i
guess i feel such pressure right now from
everyone and everywhere...it really doesnt feel
like there is one person who doesnt expect
something from me..im not sure how much
longer i can go on like this.....
i continue to pray and ask God to pls give
me the strength that i need...bcuz truthfully
inside of me right now i just cant....im not as
strong as i thot i was i guess...and truthfully
the saddest thing is this...when my parents
asked me wats wrong wif me...its very simple
but i couldnt bear to tell them...the problem was
me..i didnt dare to tell them how much i hated
myself...wen i look in the mirror ...i hated to
see the reflection looking back at me...i detested
it. im really not good for anything or anyone...but
i cant bear to tell my parents that. sadly....i have
nothing to give or to offer to them..have given them
nothing to be proud of or worthy of their praises. and
they've told me so...and the sad thing is they are
absolutely right. im not trying to get sympathy or
feeling pity for myself but i truly agree wif them...i have
nothing that is worthy or good to give them....i wish idid
but i dont. my life is in such a mess right now...*sigh*
i wish.. i really do wish things were different....i did such a
bad job today at curtin o'day...n i realy dun want this thing
to affect my job in serving God..i want to serve Him happily
not sad and i want to do my best. i also do want my
parents to be proud of me...wish i could...i guess i'll neva
be the daughter they deserve.
still at the party.....umm....know its really bad of me to not
actually be socialising but cant actually bring myself to do it.
i wish i cld...i just feel ...right now there isnt even a word for it.
feel an overwhelming need to run away...i know i know...it doesnt
solve anything but it wld be nice for a while. i wish and pray that
someone cld help me ...tell me wat to do...cuz right now i havent
got the foggiest clue...oh and the other brilliant thing that happen
to me today is i actually ran into a fren's car....i feel so incredibly
bad about it...like u have no idea....all i can say is im so so sorry...
i hope that if this fren ever reads my blog....please know how
sincerely sorry i am...u cant even possibly imagine how bad i
actually feel about it....all i can say is pls know that it was not
intentional....yep so that just added to my day which was already
quite bad to begin wif.
for those reading this entry...this one is gg to totally sound weird
bcuz im updating this two days from thurs...anyway to cap off
wat happen is this...i actualy did run away...well from the party
anyhow..it got a bit too much for me to deal wif..but to summarise
tat nite was not one of my better nites.
anyway i just want to let a fren of mine know this, sometimes wat
they think is the best thing for us is not always the best for us rather
wat they feel they shld do in order to protect us...granted they dun do
it well but its THEIR way...but this is one thing i've learned if anything
at all ...i have very little control...there's only so much i can do and say
the rest is out of my hands. often there has been times where i wish
things were back to the way it was before...and i kno u once asked me
if i regretted it...i know at the time i sed yes...but i've come to realise
if i didnt go thru wat i wen thru i guess i would neva grow spiritually,
and emotionally as a person. unfortunatley it comes at the expanse
of our hearts ..but just know that u have ur frens and family and other
things in ur life...try n focus on that...althou its not easy but wat else
can we do...if u think that by hearing them say 'i hate u or i dun like u'
actually helps u to move on well it doesnt...i thot it would too believe me..
but i realised that it had nothing to do wif hearing wat they had to say but
i had to resolve it within myself to know that this is the way things are now
n to accept i have no control over it. i cant make someone do something
they dun want to do u kno. n as cliche as it may sound 'life goes on' and
yes ur 'life' does go on whether u want it to or not..u may feel ur on auto-pilot
mode but it still goes on. it hurts a lot right now i kno but just believe that
u r stronger than this and more than anything else, God is ur light..He is and
will lead u thru this believe that ok. i really wish i cld make the pain go
away for u believe me i know how bad it feels...(im sure u do) and like i sed
i m only a phone call away...and if u ever need to talk or just get things
off ur chest...im here :)
murdoch cells combined...its really nice to
see how all the cells have expanded...but
i guess im not particularly chatty...cant
help it really...i wish things cld be so much
more simpler...but it never is hey...umm..i
guess i feel such pressure right now from
everyone and everywhere...it really doesnt feel
like there is one person who doesnt expect
something from me..im not sure how much
longer i can go on like this.....
i continue to pray and ask God to pls give
me the strength that i need...bcuz truthfully
inside of me right now i just cant....im not as
strong as i thot i was i guess...and truthfully
the saddest thing is this...when my parents
asked me wats wrong wif me...its very simple
but i couldnt bear to tell them...the problem was
me..i didnt dare to tell them how much i hated
myself...wen i look in the mirror ...i hated to
see the reflection looking back at me...i detested
it. im really not good for anything or anyone...but
i cant bear to tell my parents that. sadly....i have
nothing to give or to offer to them..have given them
nothing to be proud of or worthy of their praises. and
they've told me so...and the sad thing is they are
absolutely right. im not trying to get sympathy or
feeling pity for myself but i truly agree wif them...i have
nothing that is worthy or good to give them....i wish idid
but i dont. my life is in such a mess right now...*sigh*
i wish.. i really do wish things were different....i did such a
bad job today at curtin o'day...n i realy dun want this thing
to affect my job in serving God..i want to serve Him happily
not sad and i want to do my best. i also do want my
parents to be proud of me...wish i could...i guess i'll neva
be the daughter they deserve.
still at the party.....umm....know its really bad of me to not
actually be socialising but cant actually bring myself to do it.
i wish i cld...i just feel ...right now there isnt even a word for it.
feel an overwhelming need to run away...i know i know...it doesnt
solve anything but it wld be nice for a while. i wish and pray that
someone cld help me ...tell me wat to do...cuz right now i havent
got the foggiest clue...oh and the other brilliant thing that happen
to me today is i actually ran into a fren's car....i feel so incredibly
bad about it...like u have no idea....all i can say is im so so sorry...
i hope that if this fren ever reads my blog....please know how
sincerely sorry i am...u cant even possibly imagine how bad i
actually feel about it....all i can say is pls know that it was not
intentional....yep so that just added to my day which was already
quite bad to begin wif.
for those reading this entry...this one is gg to totally sound weird
bcuz im updating this two days from thurs...anyway to cap off
wat happen is this...i actualy did run away...well from the party
anyhow..it got a bit too much for me to deal wif..but to summarise
tat nite was not one of my better nites.
anyway i just want to let a fren of mine know this, sometimes wat
they think is the best thing for us is not always the best for us rather
wat they feel they shld do in order to protect us...granted they dun do
it well but its THEIR way...but this is one thing i've learned if anything
at all ...i have very little control...there's only so much i can do and say
the rest is out of my hands. often there has been times where i wish
things were back to the way it was before...and i kno u once asked me
if i regretted it...i know at the time i sed yes...but i've come to realise
if i didnt go thru wat i wen thru i guess i would neva grow spiritually,
and emotionally as a person. unfortunatley it comes at the expanse
of our hearts ..but just know that u have ur frens and family and other
things in ur life...try n focus on that...althou its not easy but wat else
can we do...if u think that by hearing them say 'i hate u or i dun like u'
actually helps u to move on well it doesnt...i thot it would too believe me..
but i realised that it had nothing to do wif hearing wat they had to say but
i had to resolve it within myself to know that this is the way things are now
n to accept i have no control over it. i cant make someone do something
they dun want to do u kno. n as cliche as it may sound 'life goes on' and
yes ur 'life' does go on whether u want it to or not..u may feel ur on auto-pilot
mode but it still goes on. it hurts a lot right now i kno but just believe that
u r stronger than this and more than anything else, God is ur light..He is and
will lead u thru this believe that ok. i really wish i cld make the pain go
away for u believe me i know how bad it feels...(im sure u do) and like i sed
i m only a phone call away...and if u ever need to talk or just get things
off ur chest...im here :)
"